May 4, 2003
When one tries to explain all the things that can upset them on any given day it's hard to forget the idiot drivers. It is not a broadcasted problem, but when one encounters one of these dimwitted morons it is very obvious. Considering everyone needs to pass a test to legally drive in the first place it is scary to think who is passing out the authorizations. One trip to the DMV and this mystery is easily solved. Before I cover the individuals however, I do need to make a note about traffic lights.
Who was it that felt it necessary to put a stoplight on a cross street where five people live? This stoplight is also the light that changes from green to red at 4:30 in the morning for no reason. Who wants this stupid light? Why is there a light on this cross street at all? The world does not need to come to a screeching halt every time one of these five people want to leave the house. Invariably they're probably slow drivers because they can't seem to get onto the main street without stopping traffic so they somehow lobbied for this light and were successful. Now the rest of us have to suffer.
Idiot drivers come in a variety of different types. First, the slow drivers. Are they confused by the number of pedals on the floor? Do they have a problem remembering which one makes the car go and which one makes it stop? Are they wondering whether or not they're going to have the pan seared mahi mahi or a chicken pot pie for dinner? I really don't know and I am confused as to why they would they be thinking about that in the first place. Obviously they're too stupid to do more than one thing at a time and considering they're in what amounts to a 1500 pound battering ram, maybe they should concentrate on driving. If the speed limit is 65 then how about going at least that fast. Speaking of the speed limit, if there's a cop going 55 and the speed limit is 65 it is legal to pass him! There is no law that says one cannot pass a police officer. How hard is that cop laughing when he sees a line of cars behind him going slower than the posted limit?
Idiot driver number two is the one who doesn't understand the concept of the passing lane. We all know this lane, it's the furthest left lane on the highway. A couple of things need to be said about it. First of all it is not the "drive as annoyingly as possible" lane. While one is supposed to be going fast while in it anyway, it must be understood that it is NOT the "fast" lane. It's the "passing" lane. It is possible to go fast in the right lane. When it's time to pass, then switch lanes. Hopefully there isn't a problem with this, or is this idiot just too lazy to move properly through the lanes? If that the case then they've probably had too many HoHos and jelly doughnuts. Get to the gym and use the abomizer or something…but run -- don't drive. Stay off the road.
One final note on the passing lane, once you're in it, PASS the guy next to you and get out of the way. When I'm driving my 1995 Ford Aspire and I'm trying to pass you there is a problem. Speed up - and if you slow down and go the same speed as the guy you're passing, you can go to hell…but only after I've run my car through your butthole.
Third idiot driver is the guy who cuts me off. OK, I understand that this person is in a hurry and I'm actually only slightly annoyed by the need to get somewhere so quickly that my life means next to nothing. I honestly don't care if they die a firey death in their souped-up power wagon, but don't take me along. Once I've been cut off why the need to slam on the brakes? If it's so important that there was a need to cut me off, why the braking? Quick informational tip, that slows the car down! The car is now going slower. It will take longer to get there. Hey! Asshole! If you're going to cut me off at least speed up. When I run my car into your exhaust pipe don't even think of telling someone this was my fault.
The fourth is the rubbernecker. Why does one need to see the remnants of an accident? It doesn't matter if it's a huge accident or just a tiny fender bender, some moron will need to slow down just to see what the hell happened. Of course by doing that he's probably going to cause another accident. Just drive the stupid car. If life is so boring that it becomes exciting to check out the side of the road then pull over and take some pictures. Maybe the paramedics will pose as they're setting the IV. Better yet maybe they'll show you how to start one for the time it's your stupid butt being wheeled into the ambulance because you were checking out the side of the road while driving 45 miles an hour.
Speaking of traffic, why is it that traffic sometimes there is no reason for a traffic jam? One minute it's not moving, the next minute I'm going 70 miles an hour. Rush hour traffic happens. Accidents happen, but I'm talking about stop and go in the middle of nowhere that amazingly just starts moving again. WHY? I have no idea who the idiot is who causes this traffic anomaly, but he's definitely the 5th type.
Number six is the idiot who decides he wants to be in the space in front of me while I'm sitting in this traffic. HEY! MORON, the traffic in that space is not moving any faster than it is in the lane next to me. Stay in that lane before you do something that will cause legitimate traffic problems. Of course that may be the only way to get you and your moron buddies off the road. For now however, get your finger out of your navel and just sit in traffic with the rest of us car drivers.
This brings up something that's slightly off topic but still fits into this area. Why do motorcycles get the power to drive between the cars in these traffic jams? I understand that the engine is air-cooled and it will overheat if the motorcycle doesn't keep moving, but that's really just too bad. These motocycle guys are just lucky I didn't see them creeping up in my rear view mirror.
There are some intelligent drivers out there. These are the people that get where they need to go as quickly and politely as possible. They are also relatively easy to notice after the fact because they use "the wave." It's just a simple gesture letting others know they are grateful that you let him into the space in front of you. The wave is also used as an apology. I can forgive pretty much anything any intelligent driver does if it's accompanied by a wave. Even the smart drivers make mistakes, let's be sure we identify ourselves with the wave. The idiot drivers out there aren't really smart enough to walk and chew gum at the same time much less drive and wave simultaneously.
So be sure to remember when you're out driving that if you see my Ford Aspire driving around that I'm judging your driving ability and it's very likely that if you didn't wave to me I'm very pissed off at you. If I thought it might get you off the road I'd record your license number and tell the DMV. Smart drivers don't need to put up with any more morons than we have to. Unfortunately the lies can drive too and a good portion of their friends work for the DMV. Why people are bad drivers remains a mystery. Gender? Race? Probably not. I know plenty of white males out there who are horrible drivers and plenty of minority women who drive well and use the wave. Such discussion are also not politically correct but that's another topic entirely. For now, use the pedal on the right and if you see the Ford Aspire bearing down on you get the hell out of the way.
Comments...
wendy wrote
12-4-2005 @ 16:43:09 (PST)
You crack me up! This is so true, I think you have hit it right on the nose. By the way, I always wave, and i hate idiots who can't pass in the passing lane. How refreshing is your honesty!
Brendan wrote
1-19-2008 @ 14:11:38 (PST)
I hate people who honk for no good reason. Like when I'm waiting to turn out of an apartment complex and there is a busy street with traffic going both ways. The idiots seem to think they know better than me when I should pull out. Even had one guy flip me off when motioned to him that they was TRAFFIC blocking my access to the road. Of course, I just waved back to him and went when the time was right.
Jaclyn wrote
2-1-2008 @ 08:22:32 (PST)
You forgot one-the non-signaler. This might be the same guy who's too lazy to get out of the left lane after he's finished passing; I'm not sure, but he really irritates me. Cars are equiped with blinkers for a reason. Seriously, it just takes a simple flick of the wrist to let me know you want to come in my lane. Give me this courtesy and unless you have black smoke coming out of your exhaust pipe, I'll let you in. I'll even waive back if you waive to thank me.
Justin wrote
4-16-2008 @ 16:53:55 (PST)
Yes indeed
Alright i know even great drivers make mistakes i know i do but if you make mistakes all the time that is a completly different story!! if feel i need to kill every stupid person but then life would be no fun
Daniel wrote
9-24-2008 @ 14:51:18 (PST)
all very true and all very annoying the one that gets at me the most is when people take like 2 miles to switch into the other lane. especially when they switch into a turn lane that is red so they slow down and im trying to go straight but im stuck behind this dumbass half-way in my lane!!!!! AHHHH. sucks when ur horn doesn't work either cuz then u can't express ur anger and people don't even realize it while ur silently exploding in ur car
i.x. wrote
10-7-2008 @ 06:43:26 (PST)
Idiot drivers
my personal "favorites" are: the ones that have ample opportunity to get into your lane on a multi-lane street and yet wait until the last possible second to get into your lane to turn; and those that are driving up fast enough to pass you but slow down to a crawl the second they are in front of you
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