04/30/2006
 

Professional sports teams are traditionally named after aspects of the city in which they reside. College sports teams sometimes have a history as well, but colleges generally tend toward things like the Devils, or Tigers, or (by far the best nickname ever) Boilermakers. Professional sports have the ability to actually take in aspects of the area and give people who otherwise might not know something to associate with the city.

Unfortunately some of the best names will never materialize because of the politically correct climate in which we live. Teams such as the San Francisco Fags, the Utah Mormons, the Washington Clueless, the Alabama Crackers, or the South Carolina Slaveholders are likely to never materialize (though I should admit that's probably a good thing). But due to the nature of team movement, league re-alignment, etc., some names either make no sense or are misrepresenting. I've compiled a few different lists that discuss these teams.

First of all, the best team names.

10. St Louis Blues (NHL) -- St Louis, well known for Blues and Jazz ... but they opted for the Blues in 1967. Seven years later in 1974, the other mecca for Jazz, New Orleans, adopted that name (more on this later).
9. Columbus Blue Jackets (NHL) -- initial knowledge of this name makes one think, "huh?" But if one looks past that confusion, one learns that Blue Jacket was a Shawnee War Chief from the Ohio Valley. History lesson inserted with a name that makes sense.
8. Portland Trailblazers (NBA) -- the Oregon Trail. Lewis and Clark.
7. Indiana Pacers (NBA) -- Perhaps the first thing people think of is the Indy 500...which needs a pace car. I'll admit, I almost put this one on the stupidest list, but this is an abstract name that actually makes sense.
6. Philadelphia 76ers -- 1776. Declaration of Independence, Philadelphia.
5. San Francisco 49ers (NFL) -- I already mentioned a more appropriate name, but California became huge because of the Gold Rush, and it started in 1849.
4. Green Bay Packers (NFL) -- the Packing Industry, very solid in Green Bay. What a great sports city ... some 90,000 people and they have a very storied tradition in professional football.
3. Milwaukee Brewers (MLB) --how about the Milwaukee Drunks? no...inappropriate. OK then, how about throwing in a subtle hint at saying, "Milwaukee loves its beer."
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (NFL) -- the Steel City. They make Iron City Brew. Great call on Pittsburgh's part.
1. Hartford Whalers (NHL) -- I realize they no longer exist (I believe they became the Carolina Hurricanes) but what a great name. Representing the Northeast's strong whaling tradition and just being direct about it.

Names that make NO SENSE Whatsoever.

5. St Louis Rams (NFL) -- Has anyone ever seen a Ram in St Louis? Or in LA for that matter? Where the hell did this idea come from?
4. Arizona Cardinals (NFL) -- a name that makes plenty of sense in St Louis, where they are originally from, but in Arizona? How about the Grand Canyons? That's a pretty stupid name too, but at least fits.
3. Memphis Grizzlies (NBA) -- right, there are plenty of bears in Tennessee ... and the ones that actually do exist there are not Grizzlies. Try going a bit further north, or moving back to Vancouver, where one might actually come across a Grizzly.
2. Utah Jazz (NBA) -- Right, there is so much musical cutlure coming out of Mormonland. Hello? Do people in Utah even know what Jazz is? Again, a great name in New Orleans, but in Utah it's equivalent to using a hair dryer to blow dry one's bald head.
1. LA Lakers (NBA) -- Again, Minneapolis LAKERS makes sense. The land of 10,000 lakes. Los Angeles has a few puddles in the streets every once in a while, and there is a giant Ocean just to the west, but lakes? They're more appropriately named the Droughts.

Names that are just plain stupid. These aren't really in any order, they're just stupid.

10. Los Angeles Angels (MLB) -- Not because of the Angels, but rather their location (which hasn't changed) ... or the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Or the Anaheim Angels. Or the Calfornia Angels. Figure out where the hell you are. How the hell are your fans supposed to get to the game if they don't tell them where you're located? The really screwy thing here is they have never moved anywhere, they just keep changing where they say they're from. Here's an idea, get out a map and LOOK. Then be from there. What a bunch of weenies.
9. Baltimore Ravens (NFL) -- OK, I understand that Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Raven, and he's from Baltimore, but who ever heard of naming a FOOTBALL team after a poet?
8. Tennessee Titans (NFL) -- What? The Titans? How many Titans are in Tennessee? Elvis ... The Tennessee Elvises would be cool, they could force all the members of the team to wear stupid wigs and shimmy around like they're Forrest Gump on acid...that would be entertaining.
7. Washington Redskins (NFL) -- In the age of political correctness, and the changing of inoffensive names (Indians, etc.), how does Washington get away with REDSKINS? I don't have a problem with the name, people frequently read incorrectly into these types of names ... but one doesn't see the Southern "Darkies" or the Asian "Yellowmen," how do they get away with "Redskins?"
6. Toronto Raptors (NBA) -- Give me a break. The Raptors? Like the antagonists in Jurassic Park? I don't think there is anything Jurassic about Toronto. I could live with the Wooly Mammoths, but somehow I don't ever see Raptos wandering around the streets of Canadian towns.
5. Washington Wizards (NBA) -- WTF? The Wizards? What was wrong with the Bullets? OK, the Bullets was a stupid name as well, but why go from one stupid name to another stupid name? At least make it mean something. The Washington "Capitols" may be a boring name, but at least it makes sense.
4. Minnesota Wild (NBA) -- What the hell is a "wild?"
3. Anaheim Mighty Ducks (NHL) -- Oh, their owner is Disney, and the Mighty Ducks is a hockey movie about kids in Anaheim, made by Disney. That's not an excuse. Walt Disney was allegedly a Nazi ... how about the Anaheim Nazis, or at the very least the "Alleged Nazis?"
2. New York Red Bulls (MLS) -- Huh? The Red Bulls? What the hell is this, a sports team or an advertisement for energy drinks? I'd have a problem with "Red Bull Sports Arena," but at least that might make some sense.
1. Club Deportivo Chivas USA (MLS) -- If ever I saw an obvious grab at catering to a certain group, this is it. Let's be in Los Angeles, let's use Spanish, and let's name ourselves the same name as an already named team in Mexico. Not only are we desperate for fans, but we're unoriginal as well. Way to go LA.

Boring Names.

5. Houston Texans (NFL) -- What was wrong with the Oilers? That made sense, lots of oil in Texas, but no, let's just go with something dull ... why not the "Earthlings?"
4. Montreal Canadians (NHL) -- Where is Montreal? Oh, right, Canada.
3. Washington Capitols (NHL) -- Just in case the moronic hockey fans forget what the capitol of the United States is. Good thinking, cater to our morons.
2. FC Dallas (MLS) -- "FC" being football club...how about this. They're in the MLS and they're a football club. Where are they from, I wonder, Houston? ... no, then they'd be Texans.
1. Real Salt Lake (MLS) -- "Real" from Spanish "royal" (or something like that). It is not a reference to the team actually existing (and therefore, real). "Real" refers to the top teams in the Spanish league...in this case, Real Madrid. Newsflash for Utah. There is no Jazz in Utah. There is no royalty in Utah. There are no Spanish clubs in Utah, and you don't play in the damn stupid F*&#ing Spanish League.

Mean Names (again, in no particular order)

5. Miami Heat (NBA) -- Not like the people in Miami needed to be reminded, but just in case they forgot.
4. Carolina Hurricanes (NHL) -- Natural disasters is how we want people to know us. How about that. Why not just name themselves the "Katrinas" (though I think New Orleans is saving that one).
3. Colorado Avalanche (NHL) -- (see above)
2. Chicago Fire (MLS) -- This one is just plain tasteless. I'm not offended by it, but it's kind of like the San Francisco Earthquakes. Whatever.
1. Phoenix Suns (NBA) -- It's hot in Phoenix (see Miami Heat). That heat comes from the Sun...oooo science lesson. Thanks Mr. Wizard.

Conferences that are misrepresenting. If you're going to refer to a division/conference geographically, then let's be at least moderately accurate. Otherwise, just refer to them with Numbers, letters, or random names. How about the pansyass league?

5. NFC East (NFL) -- Um...Dallas is NOT in the East, on any map, anywhere. I realize with restructuring it's important to keep rivals together (Cowboys/Redskins), but why call it the East if it has teams that are not from the East? Why not just call them the "we want to keep this rivalry together division."
4. (Eastern) Atlantic (NBA) -- Toronto isn't on the Atlantic Coast. Sorry, that big mass of water is NOT the Atlantic Ocean. To the NBA's credit, Toronto is more East than West.
3. (Western) Northwest (NBA) -- Minnesota? Denver, Utah. I sort of understand Denver and Utah, but Minnesota isn't anywhere near the Northwest.
2. (Western) Southwest (NBA) -- Memphis? Huh? Right, all those Chumash Indians in Tennessee. Forgot about them.
1. (Western) Pacific (NBA) -- Dallas, Phoenix. The Pacific Ocean is on the West Coast. It is no where near Dallas. At least Arizona borders California.

That's about it. Sorry it's so long, perhaps I'll get to the college mascots later, or include other professional sports as well. Let's just call LA, with the Lakers, the Angels, the Mighty Ducks, the Dodgers, and NO NFL TEAM AT ALL, the biggest loser. Most of us can probably agree with that.

Comments...

V Dogg wrote
5-1-2006 @ 15:37:12 (PST)

Nice Rant
B-Sweezy, I totally agree with all of your comments. The only thing is, you left out the Ridiculous names of the 4 professional Bay Area teams. You made fun of the Titans...but what about the Giants? Maybe all of the Fags just want Giant cock? The Oakland Athletics? HUH? Thanks for letting us know the 25 players are actual athletes. By the way they look in there home white uniforms with WHITE CLEATS, they look like Storm Troopers, or overpaid softball players. The GOLDEN STATE Warriors....Ok, so I will give you the history lesson of California being the Golden State. But for the love of Pete, can we be a little more specific about the location of this troubled franchise? Oakland, East Bay, even Bay Area Warriors works for me. No wonder this team sucks...it takes players a while to figure out where the goddamn arena is. And last but not least, our beloved San Jose Sharks. Move the team to Santa Cruz, or Pacifica, and you have a GREAT mascot. I think they should change their name to the Silicon Chips, or San Jose Beaners (ala Washington Redskins). This way, people would be a lot more clear about our south bay friends.

Noetical wrote
5-1-2006 @ 20:57:01 (PST)

9. Columbus Blue Jackets (NHL) -Alternate History
While the name "Blue Jackets" is still a great name, according to the "Sports Encyclopedia," there is another explanation of the origin of their name: Nickname: Paying homage to Ohio's contributions to American history and the great pride and patriotism exhibited by its citizens, especially during the Civil War as both the state of Ohio and the city of Columbus were significantly influential on the Union Army. Ohio contributed more of its population to the Union Army than any other state, while many of the Blue Jacket uniforms worn by the Union soldiers were manufactured in Columbus. More interesting trivia: Logo: A star-studded red ribbon unfurled in the shape of the team's initials, CBJ, with a hockey stick cutting through the center to represent the "J". The 13 stars represent each of the original 13 U.S. colonies and signify patriotism. The star on top of the stick signifies Columbus as the state capital.

Mookee wrote
5-1-2006 @ 21:03:42 (PST)

po-TAY-toe, po-TAH-toe

Noetical wrote
5-1-2006 @ 21:13:38 (PST)

Noet All
Okay, excuse me for correcting you, but...it needed to be done.
BTW, Dan Quayle, there's no "e" at the end of "POTATO."
When you're wrong, you're wrong.
=-)

Mookee wrote
5-1-2006 @ 21:17:03 (PST)

I was being phonetic, so much for being noetic...

Yes, I'm fully aware that it would be "know," but you're the one who started it.

pablo wrote
10-30-2008 @ 19:02:58 (PST)

hey man only the U.S. refers to soccer as soccer, which is why its f.c. dallas

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